Until We Meet Again

This is a beautiful story written by one of our Pillars of grief community members. It serves not only as a memorial to Denise's loved one, but also as an example on how there is an inherent power to transform upon the grief journey. Read the story which has had very little - if any changes. This is to keep the integrity and energy of this memorial writing.

The Toughest Year Of My Life - The Journey Begins

This has been the toughest year of my life. The way I witnessed you passing away was traumatizing and caused gut- wrenching pain. I never thought this would of happened to us.

The start of the pandemic in 2020 was only the beginning. I lost my job, but we were happy. You were working from home. I was at home with you thinking one day everything will be back to normal. You were the one taking care of everyone. Grocery shopping. Buying all the masks, wipes and extra food. Telling everyone to be careful. We made it all the way to 2021 without getting COVID. After six months of working from home you went back to work and that is where you got sick. I wish I could still have you at your desk at home asking for a cup of Nespresso to give you energy. Even back when you kept asking me to fix the printer and keep ordering ink, I wish I could have that again. The times we worked together at the counter ordering coins for your boss to make extra money. I am so glad we had that time together.

Then the nightmare began. That Saturday in November you were working from home and you didn’t feel well. I was out with my mom and Ryan. You were talking to them on speaker phone in the car. You sounded stuffy but you always got sinus things. I stopped by our house with my mom for tea. She was there maybe a half hour. She heard you coughing. The next day on Sunday you went to get tested for the virus. It took from Sunday to the middle of the night on Tuesday to get the results. The dreaded positive result.

They said you could of gone to the hospital for an IV because you were high risk but you didn’t trust it. Also, our moms got COVID from when they saw you. Everyone is ok now. You made pasta because there was no food. Then on Wednesday I tested positive. The worst pain I’ ve felt in my back. We both watched movies and hung out downstairs. Then it was Thanksgiving, and we watched the parade and the dog pageant after. We were dropped off food the neighbor and my sister had for their Thanksgiving. You still didn’t want to sit in a hospital Thursday or Friday. You didn’t seem too bad. Saturday came. We watched TV. By Saturday night I noticed you weren’t acting right. I decided to contact the Urgent Care but no response. By Sunday morning I tried again. You seemed worse. They prescribed you medication. It never got delivered that day by CVS. By that night you couldn’t breathe and drove to the hospital for the IV treatment. You asked me if I wanted to go to get the IV too, but I refused because I didn’t feel like sitting in a hospital. I should of gone with you. I saw you dragging down the garbage one can at a time. Sitting on the couch to catch your breath. I offered to do it but as usual you didn’t want me to. You did it for me. Like you did everything all the time so I wouldn’t have to. Then you came in and kissed me good- bye by the stairs. We said I love you. Even though I didn’t feel good I should of taken you to the hospital. I know both of us thought we would see each other again. I am so sorry for not being there with you.

I have your last picture when you took it from the hospital because they admitted you for pneumonia. That whole week I checked with the nurses and talked to you some to make sure you were ok. I was never told how bad you really were. Why didn’t you tell me? I don’t have any texts from you in that hospital telling me anything. When you called me you only wanted to talk about checks and bills. Like always I know you were protecting me. I remember you worrying about everyone you saw who got COVID too. It wasn’t your fault. The day they vented you was something I will never forget. We talked on the phone and I started to cry. I said I don’t want you on the ventilator. You said “until we meet again”. My soul knew that was the end. The night before you passed, I frantically went to the hospital with Jenni and Brian to the ICU. I called Craig and JT. Ryan and Monica came. We talked to you and played music. I knew you were no longer there. Your eyes were open and your vitals weren’t improving. When you passed, I was in shock. You were so strong. So full of life. This stuff doesn’t happen to us I thought. How so like you it was that you waited for your entire family to be there in the end. Sue even came and I told her it is ok to see you one last time.

Until we meet again I See You Everywhere

Soon after you passed, we saw an image of you on Jenni’s ring camera. I showed it to other people like Kelly, and they agreed it was you. We saw your dog Jacko with you on there too. I am glad he is keeping you company. I believe this was the way you thought it could validate to us you are ok. It was brilliant as you always are.

The hardest thing I had to do was to plan your Celebration of Life. I know even though you died suddenly, in the past we spoke briefly about not wanting a sad funeral. The Sawmill on the Seaside Boardwalk was the perfect place to have the gathering in your honor. All the stories everyone told about your days down the shore and at the boardwalk. Plus, our first date was there. JT made a video to play there of our life which was beautiful. I decorated the room with all your pictures and a little Christmas tree for your love of Christmas. I know you liked it by flashing the lights during Maureen’s speech. That was great. Thank you for that sign.

In honor of you I purchased a yellow heart stepping- stone with your name and date on it saying Until We Meet Again. The stepping- stone is in Allaire Park at the COVID Memorial called Rami’s Heart. You are there with all the others who are being remembered for getting this virus and passing away. I also bought a metal heart for our bench on the front porch for you. You will never be forgotten.

After that Ryan planned my birthday in the Poconos. I believe the ladybug there was a sign from you too. J.T and Gabby came. They gave me that Christmas pillow with your writing. Jenni and Michelle gave me the other pillow with what you wrote me in a card. Brian, Scott and the kids also came. We painted rocks and placed them around in your honor. I know you are always there.

Easter was different that year. Not at our house. Jenni had it. It wasn’t easy to have the holiday somewhere other than our house. You loved the holidays so much. Thank you for all the good memories you gave us with each holiday.

Michelle, me and Jenni planned a weekend away to New Hope. We had fun but I was remembering the times we went there. I noticed the lights flickering above my head in a store. I know that was you. That weekend Ashley had baby Dawson. I know you met him.

Beach Parties

Then it was July 4th at the beach. I went to have it with your family at the beach. It took everything out of me not to have a breakdown. The beach was always there with you loving it. I went on and off there because it was with your family and friends who you loved so much.

I decided to get the bedroom doors replaced to update the house and the deck stained. Gio the handyman was here most of the summer. But I think you were proud of me for speaking up about the price. All summer long I kept up with the property like you did or I tried. I know it wasn’t easy for you all these years. In between all this I cleaned out some of your clothes. It was hard to do but I gave away things to people who I thought would appreciate your stuff. I donated your shoes. A couple pairs I gave to Wayne to try on since he is your best friend.

For your birthday weekend I planned a beach party with our family and friends. It was something I could picture you loving. We rented a tent on the beach. Had drinks and food. Your friend Mark from Myrtle Beach even flew in. It was fun. Hope you liked it. I will do it every year on your birthday weekend.

At the end of the summer, I went to Washington and Virginia with Jenni and family. We walked through a trail in Virginia where bears were. We hugged a tree and walked to see waterfalls. I was proud I made it.

Halloween came to remind me of the fun you liked to have with decorating and watching scary movies. I couldn’t watch the scary movies, but I decorated with you in mind. For you. In your honor. I put up that Halloween Village for you. I even went to a Halloween party and got dressed up. I am not a fan of Halloween as you were. I did it for you.

After this was the Nashville trip with my family. We had so much fun. The signs from you were noticed. The Tom Petty song that was played out of the blue took us by surprise. I had to control my emotions. Then we saw two butterflies flying around us. I was told that was a sign from you. The trip was memorable. I made everyone photo albums that caught all the fun we had. A place I wish you and I went to together. However, we were there together.

Holidays Are Hard But I Feel You

Thanksgiving was up next. The holiday where the whole nightmare started. I made it through and honored you on that day with lighting your candle by your picture. The pain never ends.

Next was Christmas. Your holiday. My Santa. I continued being Mrs. Clause for you. I decorated as much as I could. I had people over. I bought gifts. I sent cards. Even baked cookies. We had two Christmas trees in your honor. I made presents out of your clothes from you. I mailed the gifts to make people happy. They cried because they were from you, but I know the gift was very much appreciated and cherished. I even found gifts you bought the year before you got sick. I gave them to your family and put on the tag from you. I invited you to your mom’s house with me and my mom when we visited. I invited you to watch a Christmas Story with me. I also invited you to Christmas Eve and Christmas Dinner.

Signs Of You

I asked you what you would give me as a present for Christmas. I heard love and then a picture of a butterfly flashed in my mind. I bought a butterfly charm from you. Wrapped it up and opened it Christmas morning. Thank you honey.

Please keep the signs coming and the dream visits until we meet again. They are so comforting. I am doing good things for our family and friends in honor of you. I know you see and are proud. A year has gone by without you here physically. All the memories are here to stay. I talk to you every day. I feel you listen to me. Never will our connection be lost. Until We Meet Again. Forever your wife and I love you always.